February 18 - February 23

February 18
Had a conversation on Twitter tonight about owning sex toys. I keep meaning to throw mine away. I don't use them, can I sell them on Craigslist? Is that gross? People are getting killed on Craigslist these days, imagine that headline. I watched Fifty Shades of Grey last night. I didn't hate it. Although it was kinda flat. I guess it can be difficult to portray the intensity of the book. The awkward yet anticipation of the lead characters. However, it did very well at the box office. So maybe there will be a sequel. But apparently the director had a difficult time with the author of the book. That's too bad. Idk how restrictive and protective I would be of my work if someone wanted to make a movie of it. Hopefully we'd come to a mutual understanding that makes a great film. I don't have a cutty buddy. Why? My life is just... meh. These days. That missing report for my MoJo needs to go out soon.

February 20
Candle burned. mood amber light
Jasmine patchouli scented
After midnight to the wicked.

February 21
There was a tumblr post that said the only reason Fifty Shades of Grey is popular fantAsy romance is because Christian Grey is a billionaire. No one would be excited if he was Christian Grey in the trailer park. I agree partly. I was totally into the billionaire moments. Of course that makes it more exciting. Otherwise, it would be regular blue collar erotica. Been there, had that. I guess. I feel like I talk about fifty shades too much. It's a phenomenon. I watched Fame tonight. The 2010 update. I cried. It reminded of me of...dreaming. Where would I be if I'd kept dreaming?

February 23 

I hate the smell of food in my house. HATE IT! I had salmon last night and that's all I smell. I feel like it's everywhere. Just gross. This is why I don't cook in the house. I think it's because this apartment is old or something. There's no ventilation. Whatever.
Common and John Legend won an Academy Award last night for their song Glory from Selma. Right after their moving performance. Common had his moms there with him. It was emotional. I was so proud because he's like my bf in my head. He hugged the guy that played Martin Luther King Jr. In the movie. I want him to hug me like that. LoL. I don't know what I would do if that happened for real. *Heart emojis* Other things happened at the Oscars, Jlo, some great speeches. NPH was ok, but no Ellen of course. I like him though but not everything works. Chris Pine cried during the Glory performance , he might be a little black. Mommy thinks we're related to him. Maybe so.
Today was my first day back in the gym after a week. There's gotta be another way.

February 9-February 14

February 9
Yesterday I went to Whole Foods to see if they had candied pecans. I didn't see any but I did see a strawberry and pineapple cup that was like $9. I don't understand why. Is it the best fruit in the world hand delivered by angels? I love good fresh fruit but whoa, who's buying that? Now the cookies for $1.29... I can dig it. I cut my facial hair off on Friday and got a new haircut. I don't know if I like it. Maybe I need to do something with it. Does your hair change when you get older? The texture? I could just be too damn fat. Isn't that the cause for everything? I'm gonna get my life together I promise. The Grammys came on tonight and there was this big fuss because Beyonce was asked to perform Precious Lord Take My Hand as intro to John Legend and Common's " Glory " from the movie Selma. Ledisi sings the song in the movie as Mahalia Jackson. So the issue was why ain't Ledisi singing it. Beyonce is everything. Maybe that's why. And I like Ledisi. But I think it was a moment of what can Beyonce perform that'll go along with our production of the show. We need for Beyonce to perform. The show was more ballad driven. Not a lot of partying going on. Maybe that was the message. There were some good performances however. Annie Lennox came through. I enjoyed Ed Sheeran. I wonder what it would've been like to be on that stage. Kanye West performed a new song. Katy Perry sang a beautiful song. It was a long show, but I thought it was ok.

February 11
I wonder if it's possible to be sexually liberated without having an expanse of sexual experience. I also wonder why I've never had a lot of sex. I'm 34 and my list is not big at all. Compared to what I hear I haven't done too much. But you know niggas lie. Maybe it has to do with my no anal issue. Yet still. I could low key want to have had a lot of sex so that I could use that as an excuse to not be doing it now. That seems more likely. Today was leg day at the gym. I didn't like it. I need something else because I'm not feeling anything. Where's my Mojo???

February 14
Today was Valentines Day. I went to the mall and bought myself two cupcakes. I went in a couple stores and I noticed something I'd noticed previously. The younger gays are feeling their power. ( doesn't that sound like American Horror Story Coven and the supreme?) I noticed them walking about getting their entire gay lives. Coming into their Adult. You know that feeling you get when you realize, you're grown. As I walked by them all, I felt it for them. There were lovers at the mall of course. Godiva was selling chocolate covered strawberries $8 each and six for $40 and your cousins were buying them. Cheesecake Factory had a line down the street. Valentine's Day is interesting. It's like Christmas, but with a focus on...sex. I guess. The ppl [single] are in their feelings. I don't have a Valentine. I didn't feel anything until I saw it in action. I bought a bottle of champagne. When I got into my Uber car, the driver said I looked tired. I need to get myself back, but I don't know where I went.

February 3-February 4

February 3
On Saturday Bobbi Kristina , Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown's only daughter together was found in her townhouse face down in a bathtub unresponsive. The eeriness of the similarity with that of her mother is already too much. I don't think any of us are completely healed from the loss of Whitney. I myself still feel a tug at my heart whenever I think about her. I couldn't begin to imagine how her daughter feels. However, there's no clue what happened. People think drugs and so on of course. I don't. I can't. While at the hospital Bobbi K was placed in a medically induced coma. It's just all so strange. I pray she pulls through.
Home in Ct was buried under another couple feet of snow today. I sometimes do miss a snow day or two. I don't miss having to go out in it though. A day or two crunching in the snow will work through every piece of your nerves. I think about how I used to go be snowed in with M over a decade ago. That was nice most times. Moms didn't like it though. I wish I was still that thin. Ha! But no seriously.

February 4
This beard is irritating me, I'm cutting it off. I hope my face doesn't look fat. There's a television show called Friends to Lovers where ppl that have been friends have decided to take a chance on something more. There's a gay couple on there ( white if it matters) that had a trivial discrepancy and didn't speak for four days. It helps me to think that it isn't just the community of gays that I'm familiar with that can't get it together but a lot of us are just clueless. Ha!! Lord help us, it's not funny. Speaking of dating, Valentine's Day is next weekend and it never causes me to feel a way until I see other people make a deal out of it. Or, until some one asks me if I have plans. I don't. I plan to see Fifty Shades of Grey and buy myself some chocolates and maybe a cupcake and some champagne. You know, normal shit. However, unrelated to Vday, I do feel like I'm due for some one on one activity. It's been entirely too long since I've had something in my mouth. Ijs.

January 26 - February 1

January 26
There was a man at the gym that I recognize from being out and around the way. I try to ignore ppl that I see around because...discretion. I'm not the one that's gonna out you. If you leave me alone, I'll do the same. Maybe no one is thinking like that but hell. I've heard things. It was a cool leg workout tho. I'll be glad when I see results. I probably need to like...try to kill myself. I don't wanna.

Went to brunch today with Gerald at Bantam and Biddy. Had an omelet with goat cheese and spinach. It was good or I was just crazy hungry. We talked about the possibility of leaving Atlanta. If I could move to NYC tmrw, I would. NYC is just...I need to live there at some point in my life. I mean it's fucking NYC. The best place on earth. Concrete jungle where dreams are made of. There's nothing you can't do. I texted Him twice,he hasn't responded. Idk what that means, I think someone put Root on me. Ok I won't start with that shit. But wtf. I got two cupcakes today. There.

January 27
" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us...[But] as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. " Marianne Williamson via Jennifer Lopez's " True Love".


January 29
Went and looked at an apartment today in Brookhaven which I didn't know was Brookhaven. Beautiful apts. Good rate, not in my budget. I'm not even moving right now. I'm a nut bag. I've been offered two interviews for two temp assignments. Both of them way out of the way and paying chump change. I feel like that means don't jump at it. If it's already a hassle and you haven't even gotten the job yet, imagine when you start working if you receive an offer. They will work the hell out of you for $2.50. Haven't I gone through enough of that? If I'm gonna be a robot , atleast...nah. I can't live like that. Tried that. Can't do it. Maybe I do need a sugar daddy type. That way I can be doing these things that I'm inspired by and creatively charged. Releasing some passion projects. I feel like I've said this before somewhere. He responded to my text today from Thursday. See. They're burning popcorn downstairs again. I don't get it.

February 1
Had dinner at Strip with my sis and bro yesterday. Calamari. Chicken and waffles. Cocktails and shots turned into cocktails. Had a good time. Some good conversation. Some laughs. Went all the way to my dad's house after that. Was cool. Drank a very tart Apple martini. Sour apple vodka and sour apple martini mix. A lot of sour apple. Went to the strip club with bro and sis after that. There was a girl in there with green/blue hair a tatted body and a cropped tittie shirt. She was awesome. I want to be her in another life. If I ever start writing again, she's gonna show up in some form, somewhere. I'm serious. I loved her. I got a lap dance from a girl named Kimmy. She had a fitted on with the word Famous written on it. Her ass was perfectly formed. I motor boated her tits. It was fun. I also was coerced into a lapdance with some Charlie from Columbia. I tried to make her out to be like Zoe Saldana in Columbiana but she wanted no parts of it. I had a good time. Kudos to bro and sis.

Today was Super Bowl 49. Katy Perry performed for the Halftime show and she came out on a robotic Lion. I want one. She did a good job. Fireworks is a good song for the Super Bowl. Patriots won.

January 17-January 23

January 17
My downstairs neighbors burnt some popcorn or something and that's ALL I smell in my own damn apt. I don't understand why. These vents are old and stupid or something. I hope it hasn't gotten into my clothes. Ugh. I'm so annoyed about it. Earlier at the mall I went inside one store and decided it just wasn't my day for it. Sat at the phone charging station like an old man and watched people. Well watched all the young boys that come here for MLK weekend events. Realized it was now their turn to have it. Not that I'm over the hill but sometimes you just know when to pass the torch. That's saying way too much. I'm only 34 for gotdamn sake. Came home and decided I didn't wanna go to Einsteins wit Sylvester and Izzy. It was cold. Maybe I'm a grump today? Facetimed Him and tried my best to will him to ask me out tonight. He didn't.


January 19
It's MLK weekend in Atlanta which for some reason means it's like a small gay pride event. There have been parties all weekend. Maybe I should research how this came to be. Is that information even out? Google? Went out last night with Sylvester and Izzy. I've been in Atlanta almost ten years and I'm still amazed at how many of the gays come out. It's a sight. The str8s have no idea I'm telling you. Saw all the beautiful faces of IG crushes and boys from around the way. Hugged a lot. Got blue motherfucka wasted. Danced. The music was really good. Went to the diner on Chesire Bridge and ate mozzarella sticks. They were gross, but...drunk. There were a group of Africans or middle eastern that sang Hustle Gang's Lifestyle. Hip Hop runs the world.

Woke up and listened to Andy Stanley...kinda. Had beautiful hangover haze naps then watched Lifetime's Whitney. They did a good job. Deborah Cox has an amazing voice. I think at some point she decided to protect herself and guided her career into something less crazy. I miss Whitney. Ate tacos for dinner.

Went downtown today to have my background check done for a position with Fulton County Govt. There was a woman in there that was so disarming, she kinda made me nervous. You know how you put on your professional, mannerable face and then someone just comes in and is like " Whaddup?!?! " And you're like " :-/..."? Very shaky. Very fumbly. I need to research that position. State Of The Union Address came on tonight and it's still very emotional to see Barack Obama come through as our president. When you know what this country has been for people of color , it's just still very powerful. I think the Obama haters know that and are fearful that this country will become a place where " they " are not in control. Revolution. And Barack is such a good looking man. That probably hurts too.

January 21
The other day there was a woman at the gym on the machine next to mine and she had her Starbucks in the cup holder. Coffee? Hot coffee? Very interesting to me. I'm not judging. Also, all the good looking men at the gym were causing me to day dream and...you know. I couldn't do it. I watched Nene and them and had to focus. I also started a story in my head based on a trailer I saw and my hyper sexual imagination. Good work out though, I think.


January 23
I auditioned for a job with TopShop/Topman today. Audition sounds crazy but that's what it reminded me of. A bunch of ppl all sizing each other up, on their most polite , fun , and articulate behavior. I despise group interviews but this one wasn't as bad as I thought. I wonder if I was the oldest one there tho. That would be something. What if I was older than the man who interviewed me one on one. Goodness. Well, there was a woman there that said she was a stay at home mom but had previously been in fashion as a stylist. Glamorous lady. I'm nervous about this. I think I'd really enjoy working there. Afterwards I met up with Jillian for our annual lunch and shop while she's at the conference here in Atlanta. We downloaded everything in our lives including why I'm not dating or seeing anyone. She said I need a sugar daddy, and while that would be great financially, I just don't know. I'm not young and thin anymore. Gays are different. No? Idk... But it was great to spend time with Jillian. She really inspires me and gives me awesome advice. I look forward to seeing her every year, I'm so proud of her. Sometimes you need to see people that get you, that know you from when. And that will tell the truth. Why don't ppl tell the truth?!?? I love me some Jill. Had Apple Jacks for dinner because I didn't feel like it. And...fat. Another reason I can't get no sugarda...nvm.

January 11-January 16

January 11
I went on my first date in probably eight months or so today. We went to Shake Shack. I could've done without it. I thought it was something else imported from NYC that would be awesome and it just wasn't. Very disappointing. I love a good burger. We went afterwards to see the new Restoration Hardware that Tarsha called a " snooty Home Depot ." It was six stories of magnificent and grand interior design elements. I'm not sure if it was all just a showroom or could actual purchases be made. Obviously, the complete concept was luxury. Being that it opened in the "new " Buckhead Shops or whatever they're calling the area. We enjoyed each other nevertheless. He's tall, bald, with a beard. He has an amazing smile. He dropped me home after a stop at Caribou Coffee and approved our IG photo. I had a long chat on the phone with Tiffany about FRB and she said there's a funk cloud happening there that's almost unbearable. It's sad to think about. Sometimes God will get you off from ship before it sinks. I took a nap, then ordered pizza. I wondered if he wanted to see me again. I don't know how to do this. I watched The Giver. Beautiful movie. Reminded me of that movie with Reese Witherspoon where everything is Black and White and color starts appearing and the town begins to live. I'm fat.

January 13
I'm watching Madonna's Truth or Dare. What did this film do? What was it of its time? Groundbreaking? Did it do something? I feel like it was monumental. The greatness of Madge. High priestess of illuminati. ( I'm not an illuminati nut ) I went to the gym today and did legs. They ache but I'm not crazy sore yet. I'm stubbornly going at my own pace because I don't know what I'm doing. I know what to do but do I really have to? I'll figure it out. Common and John Legend won a Golden Globe for their song " Glory " off the Selma soundtrack. It's an amazing song. What if they win an Oscar? That's where this is going. They'll probably perform it there too. This is the stuff artists dream about. I spoke to Moms yesterday and she prayed for me unexpectedly but I'm grateful. Even in my religious back and forth, I need something. You've got to have something. I spoke to the date today. He wants to see me again. I'm in.

January 14
For Christmas I asked moms for a faux fur throw for my living room sectional. She bought me instead a velour throw with the black and white theme, well part theme, that's going on in there. It's the most comfortable thing ever and I stayed wrapped up in it all day. The weather was so grouch that I couldn't think of much else to do. My butt cheeks were still achy from yesterday's workout and I just embrace that as a good thing. I watched a video today where a woman was complaining about men texting too much instead of calling. I'm so tired of that argument. If a man isn't calling you, he doesn't want to. If you met him on a social cellphone app why expect him to go " old school "? Pick your battles. It was Vance's Bday and I took entirely too long trying to decide what to get for him. I ended up with cupcakes and something else. Hope he enjoys. While on the Magnolia Bakery website I saw they offered the " Carrie " because SATC started it all for them. That's so awesome to me. Could you imagine? I want one.

January 15
There are interesting people that go to the gym I go to. Aside from the naked old men in the locker room of course. There are ppl that workout in regular clothes which isn't that weird I guess but it is interesting seeing someone run on a treadmill in dress pants. It's also comforting to know there are other individuals that have no clue what they're doing but know they should be doing something. Like myself and the arm workout I dialed in today. Went to lunch with Sylvester afterwards. Discussion about dating came up as it does often. I'm tired of that discussion. Sylvester doesn't know about me and Him. I'm not gonna tell him either. Whatever. I'm protecting myself from conversations I don't want to have. Speaking of Him, we Facetimed tonight. ( Is that our thing?) He has the most amazing smile. I may be on the path to smitten. Or...idk. We need to plan a date. I took a nap and woke up to the smell of some good food cooking...downstairs. This building is so old, I thought it was in my own kitchen. It really did smell good. Today was LL Cool J's 47th Birthday. Imagine that. Barbershop tmrw I think. I have an ingrown hair that has to go.

January 16
It has been like Seattle here the whole week. Just GREY. I've never been to Seattle but that's what people say about it. I remember being in the barbershop and someone talking about how people kill themselves there all the time because of the weather. That's such a psychological...( I don't know the word I wanna use here.) You have to have mind over matter for real I guess. Maybe that's why 50 Shades of Grey was set in Seattle. All kinds of symbolism and word play there. The movie comes out next month btw. I'm in. The weather made me stay in today and wallow in uncertainty of myself. We are allowed that sometimes aren't we? It gets on my nerves that people get into this faux positivity thing. Sometimes we are not ok. Sometimes we don't feel like it. And that's fine. Let people be human. The Oscar nominations came out today and the blks were annoyed because there were no people of color nominated except for John Legend and Common for Original Song for Selma. I get it but... Idk... Not a lot of black films get made. Not a lot of black films are supported. Oscar voters are old white men. So it's like The Grammys and...Congress... Selma was a great movie though. I do think the director should've been nominated. Ava Dubernay is her name. Watched American Idol for Jlo and Adam Lambert guest judged. I guess that's something new they're doing. There was a clip of his audition and the transformation from then until now was remarkable. Hollywood magic. I texted Him and said I wanted to see The Boy Next Door. No response. Maybe he didn't know what I was talking about.

The Andy Cohen Therapy

Some shit went down at the start of the year that had me going through. One mood swing away from having a panic attack, I  started to look for something else to do with myself. On a whim I purchased The Andy Cohen Diaries so I could escape into someone elses life and step away from mine. The book chronicled a year of Andy's life including different celebrity friends and reality show wives. I enjoyed it, he I guess based it from The Andy Warhol Diaries which sounds a transcription of Sex Drugs and undercover Hollywood gays. *Noted to read later 

Anyways, at some point I decided I should start journaling my days myself. Maybe this would help me find some sanity and get back to me. So I'm gonna post those here in weekly increments. Okay? Great.